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JULY 17 - 18, 2006 - JOHNNY YUMA WAS A REBEL, HE ROAMED THROUGH THE WEST…..

So, can anyone reference the above title for me? Who was the star?

JULY 17

What a leisurely day this was. We had planned on packing up the bike and heading for Swift Motorcycles over on the other side of town. The guy who runs the place keeps having his toilet overflow, and he asked me to come help. No, seriously, Tim is the Capo de Capo of the place, so I was able to use the photo studio for a bit. I will post the photograph.

It was hot getting over there and it was hotter getting back to Dana's. On the way we stopped at the Billet Bar. This place is reserved for Bikers and Bike enthusiasts. Let me explain the difference.

BIKERS are guys who generally look like they need a good high pressure wash to rid themselves of some accumulated real estate. They "generally" have longer than average hair - even in the ARIZONA - YEAH BUT IT'S A DRY HEAT (more on THAT later).  "Generally" these individuals have not been really consistent with their visits to Mr. Dentist. This means that Mr. Tooth Decay has been successful in removing Mr. Tooth(s). Oh, "generally" a large portion of disposable income has been invested in a lot of ink slinging on various parts of their body. Tre Cool. 

BIKERS are also women. Read the above paragraph and add the word "women" for the word "guys", then add this information. "Generally" Biker "women" (I used the quote marks on purpose) like to invest in leather items that are obviously WAAAAY too small. Some are stretched to an alarming test of structural integrity.

BIKE ENTHUSIASTS are guys like me. We have our wits about us. We don't live under our bikes. We have homes and good jobs or perhaps a great retirement plan. "Generally" we don't have tattoos. "Generally" we still feel uncomfortable walking into Biker Bars. If we do, we go in bobbing our heads, real cool like and saying "YO" a lot. If BIKE ENTUSIASTS are lucky to have a "girl" or "boy" friend, then there is less stress when entering a biker bar. It also appears that the distaff BIKE ENTHUSIAST generally adorns herself with appropriate clothing that F I TS…..

If you have a difficult time determining if someone is a Biker or Bike Enthusiast. Take them to Starbucks ( or FOURBUCKS as it is called out in Arizona). It will be worth the small investment in cash. Listen to what they order. If it sounds like this, "I want a coffee with cream and/or sugar." That person is a BIKER. If they ask for a "Double Latte, skim milk steamed; half calf/decalf, Venti", then that person is a BIKE ENTHUSIAST.

YEAH BUT IT'S A DRY HEAT. If I hear this one more time, I will puke my pants. The dry heat still is an ass kicker. After I left for California today, I wasn't even out of Phoenix before I had to pull in and take some water and Gatorade.  I will get back to THAT later, too.

The "dry" heat, as it were, feels like popcorn could be cooked on the sidewalks. As it is, Phoenix has a major problem from tourists leaving fried eggs all over their sidewalks. I am not making this up. Well, ok, I am making that up. I've heard that for a ton of years too. "Why it's so hot there that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!!" Because everyone seems to want to test that theory, eggs in Phoenix cost $5.00 per dozen, or close to it.

We got back to Dana's apartment and the two dogs of hers were very happy to see us. She has a BIG dog of indeterminate lineage and a Min Pin. That's Chinese for Miniature Pincer. That dog is fast and flighty. Sort of like a rat on meth. She's funny.

Dana had an appointment to go watch a volley ball game that her "boyfriend" (my quotes, not hers) was playing in. I had a taste for popcorn, so I decided to go get some. Off to the grocery store, before my dog sitting commenced. I purchased a cheap sauce pan, some oil - corn - I think, and some popcorn. Old School popcorn was on for the evening. She had a movie called Kiss Kiss Bang Bang that I had planned to watch. When I came back from the store, Dana's neighbor was out and commented on the bike.

That was my que to give the usual speech about the purpose of the trip and give the person a card. I had my bag of supplies with me. Theresa (Dana's neighbor) asked where I was from and was happy that I was from Michigan. She was originally from a small town near Lansing, but would be staying in the Phoenix area for the rest of her life. She likes the place. She looked at my plastic grocery bag, and laughed. She said, "You're making pop corn aren't you?" Well, yes I was. She could only see the pan, because the kernels and oil were closed in the pan. She alluded that was something her dad always made. Well, I offered to give her a portion, which I ultimately did. She was appreciative and liked having a taste of "Michigan Popcorn" again. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang was viewed, and I have to tell you, THAT is a very funny movie for a lot of reasons. I thought it was well done.

I had been instructed to leave the doorwall door open just wide enough to allow the hurricane known as Georgia the Min Pin to run out to the patio then back in then back out and up on the chair then back in and up on the couch then down and pinch the big dogs nose then go get some water then look up and wonder what the heck I was doing then back out to the patio.

The problem with that is that the big dog, a very very calm and docile beast loves to get excited and agitated at some of the surrounding pets. You never know which ones. I was trying to figure out how to keep track of them while I was sleeping. I fixed that by keeping the bedroom door open for their curiosity and comfort.

Both of them liked sleeping on the bed. Well Kaela, the big dog did. Georgia, the Arizona Hurricane, was all over the bed then licking my ear, then pestering the other dog, then figuring out why the blanket was looking like a human foot, then up by my head to lick my bald spot, then DOWN on the floor and around the house and zoom here and zoom there and then back to the side of the bed.

She can very well jump on the bed. She decides not to, so that you will be forced to pick her up, which is her invitation to start things all over again. I need a shower by the time I fell asleep. When I woke up to go to the bathroom, both dogs were gone. That means that Dana came home and the got a better offer.

JUNE 18

Upon waking, I found out soon enough that I would be leaving later than I had anticipated. Oh well, I could get a breakfast in with Dana before I left. This we did. Very tasty stuff, too. They even have Pleasant Potatoes. Ask Dana, I don't get that either. I had purchased a barber clipper kit at the local drug store, because the cost of the thing was exactly what two hair cuts would cost. Dana did the "Salon Barber" treatment and I was the soon to be fired customer. I should relate the story about my being fired as a customer by my barber of 10 years. THAT is a story. Anyway, I look like me again, thanks to Dana who did a marvelous job of cutting my hairs.

I did manage to leave prior to lunch hour, so I would miss most of the traffic. By the time I had gone 20 miles, I was feeling very weird - due to the heat, I am sure. I had purchased gas prior to getting on the free way near Dana's house, but I knew that 99% of the gas stations would have a shaddy area by the pumps. I found one and shut the engine off. I had burned off a bit of fuel (probably by going on the westbound I 10, instead of the eastbound I 10). I pulled out my wallet and got my debit card out. I put the wallet on the back seat of the bike because I knew I had to put the debit card away when I was done.

After fueling and heading down the I 10 freeway toward I 8 and the Arizona border, I had something hit me pretty smartly in the left arm. I looked around but couldn't see anything. A few miles later, I pulled in to a rest area to get more liquids in me. As I got off the seat, I noticed my wallet still on the back seat. Lauren and Brian were smiling up at me. I could not find the debit card. THATWASWHATHITMYARM.

Calls were made, and I will have to live without the debit card for a bit. I don't know why, but Master Card called me back twice while I was on the road. As I proceeded west I noticed that the French Cactus population dwindled the farther I got from Phoenix. I stopped for lunch in a town called Gila Bend, Arizona. After talking with the clerk at the gas station, I went into town to try a locally owned restaurant. It was very good, and the prices were very good also.

I was on my to California. I could tell I was climing - ever so gradually - into the mountains as I approached Yuma, Arizona. Just around sunset, I was greeted by the vista of coming out on the west side of this small range of mountains only to appreciate the view of Yuma in the distance and in the valley below. Tonight, I am 10 minutes from the California border, fershure, dude.

Tomorrow, I will be in California.